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Why I Don’t Treat My Children Equally

February 6, 2021 By Laura Epstein

If you google the term equally you get the following definition:

in the same manner or to the same extent.

“all children should be treated equally”

I disagree. I don’t treat my children equally because my children are absolutely not equal. I have a six year old with Autism and two neurotypical identical twins. I love all three equally but they have their own strengths and weaknesses. They very much require different things from me and require the same things from me at different times. Instead of treating them equally I treat them fairly and I really focus on giving each child what they need.

Now, I’m not advocating giving them different numbers of M & Ms because that would be a disaster and obviously unfair. But the amount of time, material things and sometimes the amount of energy I give each child depends on the child’s needs. One day a twin may need more time because he’s struggling with a runny nose or lack of sleep, and on a different day his brother may require my energy as he does a school project.

Why did I change my approach? If you focus on making sure everything you give your children is equal you neglect to take into account their differences. In a given day I only have so much time and energy. I just don’t have unlimited capacities. If the time I gave each child was equal one may have too much time and another too little. By actively focusing on giving each child what they need to grow and excel that day I can a) be more thoughtful in how I spend my time and b) stress out less.

I used to stress that they were not getting equal time from my husband and I. Now I can see that at given points in their lives our children may need either my husband or I more than the other. I have my own strengths and weaknesses as does my husband. There are ages I am great with and ages I am definitely not great with. Currently I am a lot better with our three and a half your olds than my husband. He was a whole lot better at babies than me. We focus on essentially filling in the gaps of what our children are lacking. Whether that is who gets the most cuddles, snacks or reading. Currently my oldest always wants my husband. My husband spends more time with him than he does with the twins. The twins want me right now. This may change next year or maybe ten years from now. We don’t focus on giving them equal attention but giving them what they need to thrive because that is what we consider fair.

So how did I start rethinking how I divided my time, energy and resources? Well, my mother in law has been doing this successfully for years. Like me she has three kids that are very different. My husband is the oldest. He’s a married lawyer with kids who just needs babysitting and an occasional word of encouragement nowadays but when he was younger he was homeschooled and took the most time and probably emotional energy. My husband has a younger brother who is also a married lawyer. He mostly just needs dogsitting and validation. As a child he was very involved in school activities, popular and didn’t require as much one on one time because he was off with his friends. However, she says she probably spent a lot more money on “cool” clothes for him. Her daughter is eight years younger than my husband and at a totally different place in life. She is married but has been in school or internships forever (approximately) and still has a few more years left. She still one on one time and sometimes clothes bought for her. Even as adults my mother in law still tries to spread her resources and time fairly but not necessarily equally.

So by copying my mother in law I started thinking about giving my children my time and resources fairly instead of equally. This thought process has reduced my stress over having to do everything equally (especially with twins where that will drive you nuts trying) and hopefully made our family a happy and productive place. So, how do you think about how you divide your parenting resources? Let me know in the comments or join the Messy Bun Brigade.

If you are headed to Disney or on a vacation soon be sure to check out my post on what going to Disney with my autistic son taught me about parenting and for some great products for secretly helping your kids with their fine motor skills take a look here.

Other Posts You Might Like:

15 Great Toys for Fine Motor Skill Development

December 27, 2020 By Laura Epstein

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you I may earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. Thank you for supporting my blog.

Developing fine motor skills in young children is important to future skills like handwriting, shoe trying and typing. Using a mix of creative activities and fun fine motor toys you can help your child to develop these important skills.

[Read more…]

The Best Pants for Moms

June 21, 2020 By Laura Epstein

Being a mom is a little like being a ninja. You run and jump, fight off bad guys and strategically plan your escapes. Just like a ninja you need to dress appropriately. No, this doesn’t mean you have to resort to schlubby mom jeans.

I’ve curated pants that are as cute as they are comfortable. My criteria included a high waistband, good stretch, versatile and of course fashionable. And yes, I include some leggings as “pants”. You can fight me on this in the comments 🙂

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20 MORE Easy Activities For Fine Motor Skill Development

June 5, 2020 By Laura Epstein

If you loved our original edition of easy fine motor skill activities you will love this list too! Fine motor skills including cutting, coloring, ripping and eventually writing. These are skills that you can work on when your child is a toddler and into their teens, or even farther.

This list has fun crafts, activities, printables and more to help you have fun while learning these important skills. Your child will make flowers, move pompoms, play with stickers and other fun things he or she will love.

Check them out and be sure to take a look at my favorite fine motor skill toys too!

Rainbow Flowers from Twitchetts

Snail Sticker Art from Messy Little Monsters

Zig Zag Fine Motor Sensory Bag from BestToys4Toddlers

Pompoms and Chopsticks Fine Motor Activity from Learn with Play At Home

Threading Pony Beads on Tree Branches from Laughing Kids Learn

Popsicle Fine Motor Craft from A Dab of Glue Will Do

Ice Transfer Activity from Taming Little Monsters

Pom Pom Whisk Activity with myBored Toddler

Pattern Block Fun with Mama Smiles

Q-tip Prewritting Printables from 3 Dinosaurs

Strengthen Fine Motor Skills With Water from Teaching 2 and 3 Year Olds

Flower Garden Fine Motor Play Dough from Best Toys 4 Toddlers

Simple Fine Motor Activity using Pipe Cleaners and Paper Straws from Active Littles

Apple Themed Fine Motor Activity from Twitchetts

Dots and Coins Fine Motor Play from BestToys4Toddlers

Simple Sewing Activities for Kids from Mosswood Connections

Loose Parts and Patterns Pages from Picklebums

Rainbow Rice in a Jar from Edventures With Kids

Police Snip and Sort from Simple Fun For Kids

Fine Motor Practice at Snack Time from Simple Fun for Kids

20 Easy Activities for Fine Motor Skill Developmental

22 Essentials for Summer With Your Toddler

June 3, 2020 By Laura Epstein

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you I may earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. Thank you for supporting my blog.

I once had three toddlers (briefly at the same time) so I was always looking for ways to have fun and keep them occupied. When I looked for toys I looked for a couple of things. First, I wanted toys that would last a while. Not only because they were sturdy but the kids would actually want to play with them as they got older. I also love toys that target a particular developmental skill. Bouncy toys help core strength, sand and water toys help with fine motor, and balance bike target the skills needed to move to a bigger bike. Lastly, I look for toys that you get a lot of bang for your buck. Some of these toys are expensive but your kids will use them ALL the time making them price per use actually quite low.

I hope you love our guide to our favorite summertime essentials! Make sure to also check out our fine motor skill tools and basement toys (for those rainy days)

What Going To Disney World With My Autistic Son Taught Me About Parenting

May 17, 2020 By Laura Epstein

My oldest son, Ross, has autism. He was diagnosed when he was 3 and is now a happy, thriving 6 year old who just started kindergarten. Last spring we took my son with autism to Disney World. My Husband, my boys, my mother and father in law, my sister in law and her husband and I all headed to Orlando to go on a new adventure to Disney World. This adventure went far better than I had expected. Honestly, I had set very low expectations for the trip and especially for how much Ross was going to like it. I was pleasantly surprised by how engaged my son was and how much he liked Disney World, especially Magic Kingdom and Epcot. I was also surprised by what I learned as a parent and how it changed how I parent all three of my boys.

It’s Hard To Accept That He Is Different, But I Need To

I think Ross spent 75% of the time in Disney World in his stroller. Most of that time he had noise cancelling headphones on and Netflix videos were playing through the bluetooth in the headphones for part of that. BUT, he loved it. A few years ago I would have prodded him to get out of the stroller and experience the parks the same way my neurotypical boys do. I would have tried to get him to go on rides or see more movies and he probably would have melted down. He was actually quite happy sitting in his stroller, looking around, hopping out for the occasional character. He also became obsessed with trading pins. This was the perfect activity for him and actually didn’t end up as terribly expensive as I expected. In the last three years I have had to learn to accept that he will experience things in his own way and that he enjoys things in his own way. He still talks about how amazing his trip to Disney World was and I’m glad I got over myself and let him decide how he wanted to experience it.

Being a Little Pushy is Ok

On our third day in Disney World the kids, my husband and I had reservations to Chef Mickey’s restaurant at the Contemporary Hotel. When we got there we discovered that strollers had to be parked outside and there was no way that Ross was getting out of his stroller. Ross was over stimulated from the parks and on the verge of melting down all the time but was also super excited to have brunch with Mickey. We were at an impasse. I had gone up to the desk when we arrived and asked if strollers were allowed and they said no. In desperation I asked my husband if we should just go and explain the situation. I always fear being too pushy or asking too much but he doesn’t fear these things at all. So he asked if we could bring the stroller for Ross in and explained his situation and they said yes. My fear of being pushy or of judgement had always stopped Ross from being able to go in to what became his favorite part of Disney. Note: I later found out you can get a “Stroller as a Wheelchair” pass for Disney and could have avoided the whole situation.

(Sometimes) IDGAF

As Dua Lipa says, “I don’t give a f***”. Ok, maybe I do a little but I’m trying to care less. Back to that third day at Disney and we got a table with a wheelchair spot at Chef Mickey’s and all was fine. Ross doesn’t like many new foods so was totally uninterested in eating. He sat in his stroller with the hood up and his headphones on. And people looked and, at least in my head, they judged.

So I took a deep breath and decided that IDGAF. This happened more than once in the course of the trip. From choosing bubbles over characters to melting down when someone cut in the water slide line I decided to take the approach that IDGAF what others thought. I was going to help my sons have the best vacation possible and not let others bother me.

I Need to Ask For Help

Perhaps the biggest thing I learned at Disney that made me a better parent was that I need to ask for help. I tend to try to do it all. Whether it was asking for help from Disney cast members or from my in-laws (they watched the kids several nights so my husband and I could have dinner alone) we could not have made it through Disney without lots of support. When I got back to the “real world” I tried to remember this lesson and ask for help because it’s definitely a lot easier.

This article was originally entitled “What Going To Disney World With My Autistic Son Taught Me About Special Needs Parenting” but I think all of these parenting lessons I learned taking my son with autism to Disney World apply just as much to my neurotypical children as my son with autism.

Feel free to reach out to me if you need help navigating Disney World with an autistic son or daughter. Be sure to check out my article on being an autism mom and grab your free IEP worksheet by signing up for my newsletter below too.