• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

Messy Bun Life

Messy Bun, Get Parenting Done

  • Blog
    • Get Parenting Done
    • Mom Hacks
    • Special Needs Parenting
  • About The Messy Bun Life
    • Contact Laura
    • Terms and Conditions
  • Messy Bun Picks
    • Sign Up For My Newsletter!
    • Free IEP Worksheet

Why I Don’t Treat My Children Equally

February 6, 2021 By Laura Epstein

334 Shares
Pin334
Tweet
Share
Share

If you google the term equally you get the following definition:

in the same manner or to the same extent.

“all children should be treated equally”  

I disagree.  I don’t treat my children equally because my children are absolutely not equal.  I have a six year old with Autism and two neurotypical identical twins.   I love all three equally but they have their own strengths and weaknesses.   They very much require different things from me and require the same things from me at different times.  Instead of treating them equally I treat them fairly and I really focus on giving each child what they need.

Now, I’m not advocating giving them different numbers of M & Ms because that would be a disaster and obviously unfair.  But the amount of time, material things and sometimes the amount of energy I give each child depends on the child’s needs.  One day a twin may need more time because he’s struggling with a runny nose or lack of sleep, and on a different day his brother may require my energy as he does a school project.

Why did I change my approach?  If you focus on making sure everything you give your children is equal you neglect to take into account their differences.  In a given day I only have so much time and energy.  I just don’t have unlimited capacities.  If the time I gave each child was equal one may have too much time and another too little.  By actively focusing on giving each child what they need to grow and excel that day I can a) be more thoughtful in how I spend my time and b) stress out less.

I used to stress that they were not getting equal time from my husband and I.  Now I can see that at given points in their lives our children may need either my husband or I more than the other.  I have my own strengths and weaknesses as does my husband.  There are ages I am great with and ages I am definitely not great with.  Currently I am a lot better with our three and a half your olds than my husband.  He was a whole lot better at babies than me.  We focus on essentially filling in the gaps of what our children are lacking.  Whether that is who gets the most cuddles, snacks or reading.  Currently my oldest always wants my husband.  My husband spends more time with him than he does with the twins.  The twins want me right now.  This may change next year or maybe ten years from now.  We don’t focus on giving them equal attention but giving them what they need to thrive because that is what we consider fair.

So how did I start rethinking how I divided my time, energy and resources?  Well, my mother in law has been doing this successfully for years.  Like me she has three kids that are very different.  My husband is the oldest.  He’s a married lawyer with kids who just needs babysitting and an occasional word of encouragement nowadays but when he was younger he was homeschooled and took the most time and probably emotional energy.  My husband has a younger brother who is also a married lawyer.  He mostly just needs dogsitting and validation.  As a child he was very involved in school activities, popular and didn’t require as much one on one time because he was off with his friends.  However, she says she probably spent a lot more money on “cool” clothes for him.  Her daughter is eight years younger than my husband and at a totally different place in life.  She is married but has been in school or internships forever (approximately) and still has a few more years left.  She still one on one time and sometimes clothes bought for her.  Even as adults my mother in law still tries to spread her resources and time fairly but not necessarily equally.

So by copying my mother in law I started thinking about giving my children my time and resources fairly instead of equally.  This thought process has reduced my stress over having to do everything equally (especially with twins where that will drive you nuts trying) and hopefully made our family a happy and productive place.  So, how do you think about how you divide your parenting resources?  Let me know in the comments or join the Messy Bun Brigade.

If you are headed to Disney or on a vacation soon be sure to check out my post on what going to Disney with my autistic son taught me about parenting and for some great products for secretly helping your kids with their fine motor skills take a look here.

Other Posts You Might Like:

  • Why I Don’t Treat My Children Equally
  • 15 Great Toys for Fine Motor Skill Development
  • The Best Pants for Moms
  • 20 MORE Easy Activities For Fine Motor Skill Development
  • 22 Essentials for Summer With Your Toddler
Why I don't treat my children equally
334 Shares
Pin334
Tweet
Share
Share

Filed Under: Get Parenting Done Tagged With: parenting

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Megan says

    March 11, 2019 at 1:00 am

    I like how you say that children should be treated fairly and not equally! This is so true and something I need to think about as my sons grow. My boys are close in age, only a year and a half apart. They have very different needs and even at this young age enjoy different things.

    • Laura Epstein says

      March 11, 2019 at 1:18 am

      THanks for commenting and hi to another boy mom! It took me a while to figure out and really internalize the idea of being fair not equal but I think it’s helped them and definitely helped me parent and avoid mommy guilt.

  2. Talya Stone says

    January 7, 2020 at 2:39 pm

    This is definitely food for thought. I only have one child but I like the concept of treating them fairly not equally because children are all so different.

  3. Mir says

    January 22, 2020 at 2:43 pm

    Treating fairly should be priority of every parent

  4. Smelly Socks and Garden Peas says

    January 19, 2021 at 9:05 pm

    So true. My boys are very close friends but they’re so different. I try to be fair but that needs to account who they each are.

Primary Sidebar

About Laura

Messy Bun Life

The Messy Bun Life is a parenting blog primarily authored by Laura Epstein. We are here to support all … ...read more about About The Messy Bun Life

Recent Posts

  • Why I Don’t Treat My Children Equally
  • 15 Great Toys for Fine Motor Skill Development
  • The Best Pants for Moms
  • 20 MORE Easy Activities For Fine Motor Skill Development
  • 22 Essentials for Summer With Your Toddler

Footer

Where You Can Find Me:

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2023 · Laura Epstein, The Messy Bun Life

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are as essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
SAVE & ACCEPT